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Entry tags:
- coco: héctor rivera,
- critical role: beauregard,
- final fantasy ix: zidane tribal,
- fragile dreams: ren,
- marble hornets: tim wright,
- mushi-shi: ginko,
- original: chip abaroa,
- the adventure zone: kravitz,
- undertale: asgore dreemurr,
- ✖ fullmetal alchemist: edward elric,
- ✖ okami: amaterasu,
- ✖ red vs. blue: agent texas,
- ✖ warriors: yellowfang
they say the captain goes down with the ship [ OPEN ]
Who: Tim Wright, and whoever wants to deal with him
What: The Gang Has A Fucking Breakdown
When: 8/12 and onward
Where: Islet 4, library, generally around Ensō
Warnings: Preemptive warnings for grief and self-loathing. The first prompt also has a warning for self-harm, and the second for smoking.
Only this morning, when he sits up, there's a soft crackle underneath his pillow.
Something's been left behind, underneath it.
It's a note. Several notes.
He reads them in silence.
He lets the hollow pit in his soul expand, slowly, like effluvium, until it presses up at the roof of his mouth with all the rancid stickiness of bile. His eyes flick up, staring numbly at the hammock that both children share - shared. A galaxy-print jacket. A blue jacket. A red sweater, knitted by hand with love and care. They've been there from the start. They've been there from the very start, and he wants to reach out, catch the threads of one of those old keepsakes and draw them close to his chest and cling to them, like they might remind him of what was once there.
He can't. He can't. Those aren't his to cleave to. He'd just double over them, and get his tears and his snot and his sick all over those things that don't belong to him. What he has is a locket, a golden lump underneath his shirt, which his hand falls to automatically. The little word printed across the front. Friend.
Come to terms with two things in quick succession, Tim Wright.
The first: they're gone. They're gone, and there's no guarantee they're coming back. They said they would, but -
But here's the second: you didn't know them nearly as well as you thought you did. He never realized. Never even thought that they'd have come up with this kind of strategy. Never once picked up on the fact that they were doing this daily, that they cared enough to - no. That's not true. They always cared enough to do it. It's just whether or not they wanted to express that care, or knew how to express it. And they did. They did, but only as a last resort. Isn't that always the fucking way.
He didn't know them as well as he thought he did. And part of that's a good thing. It means he's drawing away from the part of him that knew them too well, that could use that knowledge for the worst. The temptation, now, is there - to seize upon any threads of coal-red determination that he can find, wrench them to the forefront, because he doesn't know, anymore, how to live without it in his life.
They said it, is the thing. They said they'd take him with them.
They wouldn't just say that. They never just say things. They always mean them, from the bottom of their heart and SOUL.
Knuckles thud against stone. Tim's fist slams against the wall of the shack that, for two years, he shared with two kids that, like it or not, made a home in his soul. He had no plans for where he might end up, as long as it was with them. Smiles and the cut of knives and eyes rust-red and the taste of ozone in the back of his throat. Memories couched in the smell of cinnamon and the tingle of magic and the soft rustle of crushed flower petals. They said they wouldn't go. They said -
Well, what right does he have in acting like they he had any call over where they went? They didn't mean to. He knows they didn't mean to because they put it down in writing and that's when his eyes start to press together, when the breath hitches in his throat, when the heat starts to slide down his cheeks.
The world rocks from side to side, unsteadily, and all he has is the anchor that's the locket around his neck. He clings to it like the lifeline it is, driving a fist repeatedly against the exterior of the house until his knuckles blister and bleed, until he can feel the aftershocks jolting up the bones of his wrist and all the way to his shoulder.
He only stops when there's the soft nudge of something at his ankle, and he looks down.
The house's tigerlily - once Buttercup, once Soylent, now tentatively Butternut and a thousand other titles besides - bumps their head against his foot again with a soft, inquisitive sound.
He has nothing else to do, and nowhere else he can go.
Tim slides down the wall with a choked sob, his hands cracked open and bleeding at the knuckles, buries his face into the tigerlily's side, and does the one thing he's always been able to do most reliably, better than anyone else in this house, despite being more than double the age of everyone else in it.
He cries.
He was trying to quit. He wanted to quit so that they wouldn't have to deal with this habit, this disgusting fucking habit of his, and that had been overly optimistic. He'd figured - something to work toward. Being a better person, being even a slightly less useless and slightly less unbearable person to be around, for their sake, would mean that they'd have a reason to keep him around. Idiot. You fucking idiot, Tim. If they didn't want you around, you wouldn't have been there.
The notes are folded-up squares clenched in one scabbed fist. He sucks in another long drag of his cigarette, squeezing his eyes shut against the welling of tears slipping down one side of his face. He reaches up, scrubs at it.
He can't just fucking lie down and give up, now, can he? Chara'd never forgive him for that. Frisk would forgive him too easily. But neither of them would give up, never have, so fuck it if he doesn't at least try to pick up the pieces of whatever's left of him in the wake of this.
He has to start with the obvious, and the obvious is that the garden outside the shack that they shared needs someone to look after it.
Someone has to take care of these flowers.
They told him to be good.
The problem is that he doesn't know a thing about gardening. He always just assumed that the kids would be there.
Without meaning to, he'd just thought that they'd always fucking be there.
Goes to show what he knows, huh.
He doesn't know how to ask for someone else's help without alerting them to what's happened. And besides - he's not sure he's ready to confront people just now. So he'll figure it out on his own.
Eventually, he'll enter the library and make it happen.
Just after one more cigarette.
He was trying to quit.
That's more or less what's been happening, as time wears on. Even if you don't see him, you might hear him, catching hitching breaths and soft choking sobs.
He can't help it. Tim's always been a crier. Usually, he has a means of stopping before it wears on for too long.
He's lost friends before. He's been the reason he's lost friends. He's been the reason people have died. He thought that body counts were simple, that he could measure them up to others and come out on top, but he knows well enough now to know it's not like that at all. Nameless shadows, unidentified viewers, mere possibilities - they're nothing like cleaving down someone who believes in you wholeheartedly, someone you once knew as a friend in another life. He only ever lost people by accident, despite his best efforts. He never killed anyone he loved on purpose, no matter how much he felt like he could in some moments.
Souls humming in parallel to each other. The worst possible first impression. Dragging those memories and sensations to the forefront just to survive another day, and then consenting to having those thoughts cut out, even if it killed him.
Waking up on an island, months after the fact. Two children who had been forgotten by most - but not all. Two children who changed their names and hid their faces and didn't want to be remembered, but were remembered anyway.
Two children who stood at the edge of the cauldron to hell.
Two children who held his heart in their hands, who loved him.
And despite everything, who he loved right back.
Without meaning to, he clung to them.
And now he has no idea what to do, or who to be, without them.
What: The Gang Has A Fucking Breakdown
When: 8/12 and onward
Where: Islet 4, library, generally around Ensō
Warnings: Preemptive warnings for grief and self-loathing. The first prompt also has a warning for self-harm, and the second for smoking.
i. islet 4 ; i got troubled thoughtsIt's a weird thing to get used to - the fact that he's in a bed. He was thinking about building bedframes, trying to make that come together, but it's been slow going. He knows exactly who he has to thank (to blame?) for that, and exactly how he's going to have to repay them. They got him an actual, real bed - probably the both of them. A mattress, a frame, a pillow, gray sheets, the whole bit. It's still a shock.
Only this morning, when he sits up, there's a soft crackle underneath his pillow.
Something's been left behind, underneath it.
It's a note. Several notes.
He reads them in silence.
He lets the hollow pit in his soul expand, slowly, like effluvium, until it presses up at the roof of his mouth with all the rancid stickiness of bile. His eyes flick up, staring numbly at the hammock that both children share - shared. A galaxy-print jacket. A blue jacket. A red sweater, knitted by hand with love and care. They've been there from the start. They've been there from the very start, and he wants to reach out, catch the threads of one of those old keepsakes and draw them close to his chest and cling to them, like they might remind him of what was once there.
He can't. He can't. Those aren't his to cleave to. He'd just double over them, and get his tears and his snot and his sick all over those things that don't belong to him. What he has is a locket, a golden lump underneath his shirt, which his hand falls to automatically. The little word printed across the front. Friend.
Come to terms with two things in quick succession, Tim Wright.
The first: they're gone. They're gone, and there's no guarantee they're coming back. They said they would, but -
But here's the second: you didn't know them nearly as well as you thought you did. He never realized. Never even thought that they'd have come up with this kind of strategy. Never once picked up on the fact that they were doing this daily, that they cared enough to - no. That's not true. They always cared enough to do it. It's just whether or not they wanted to express that care, or knew how to express it. And they did. They did, but only as a last resort. Isn't that always the fucking way.
He didn't know them as well as he thought he did. And part of that's a good thing. It means he's drawing away from the part of him that knew them too well, that could use that knowledge for the worst. The temptation, now, is there - to seize upon any threads of coal-red determination that he can find, wrench them to the forefront, because he doesn't know, anymore, how to live without it in his life.
They said it, is the thing. They said they'd take him with them.
They wouldn't just say that. They never just say things. They always mean them, from the bottom of their heart and SOUL.
Knuckles thud against stone. Tim's fist slams against the wall of the shack that, for two years, he shared with two kids that, like it or not, made a home in his soul. He had no plans for where he might end up, as long as it was with them. Smiles and the cut of knives and eyes rust-red and the taste of ozone in the back of his throat. Memories couched in the smell of cinnamon and the tingle of magic and the soft rustle of crushed flower petals. They said they wouldn't go. They said -
Well, what right does he have in acting like they he had any call over where they went? They didn't mean to. He knows they didn't mean to because they put it down in writing and that's when his eyes start to press together, when the breath hitches in his throat, when the heat starts to slide down his cheeks.
The world rocks from side to side, unsteadily, and all he has is the anchor that's the locket around his neck. He clings to it like the lifeline it is, driving a fist repeatedly against the exterior of the house until his knuckles blister and bleed, until he can feel the aftershocks jolting up the bones of his wrist and all the way to his shoulder.
He only stops when there's the soft nudge of something at his ankle, and he looks down.
The house's tigerlily - once Buttercup, once Soylent, now tentatively Butternut and a thousand other titles besides - bumps their head against his foot again with a soft, inquisitive sound.
He has nothing else to do, and nowhere else he can go.
Tim slides down the wall with a choked sob, his hands cracked open and bleeding at the knuckles, buries his face into the tigerlily's side, and does the one thing he's always been able to do most reliably, better than anyone else in this house, despite being more than double the age of everyone else in it.
He cries.
ii. outside the library ; and the self-esteem to matchTim withdraws his tenth cigarette from his tin, lights it up, and breathes in deep. The tears haven't stopped coming, but they're pouring out with less frequency now. It's harder to smoke when every breath is cut with sobs, with a stutter of not being able to breathe for the weight on his chest.
He was trying to quit. He wanted to quit so that they wouldn't have to deal with this habit, this disgusting fucking habit of his, and that had been overly optimistic. He'd figured - something to work toward. Being a better person, being even a slightly less useless and slightly less unbearable person to be around, for their sake, would mean that they'd have a reason to keep him around. Idiot. You fucking idiot, Tim. If they didn't want you around, you wouldn't have been there.
The notes are folded-up squares clenched in one scabbed fist. He sucks in another long drag of his cigarette, squeezing his eyes shut against the welling of tears slipping down one side of his face. He reaches up, scrubs at it.
He can't just fucking lie down and give up, now, can he? Chara'd never forgive him for that. Frisk would forgive him too easily. But neither of them would give up, never have, so fuck it if he doesn't at least try to pick up the pieces of whatever's left of him in the wake of this.
He has to start with the obvious, and the obvious is that the garden outside the shack that they shared needs someone to look after it.
Someone has to take care of these flowers.
They told him to be good.
The problem is that he doesn't know a thing about gardening. He always just assumed that the kids would be there.
Without meaning to, he'd just thought that they'd always fucking be there.
Goes to show what he knows, huh.
He doesn't know how to ask for someone else's help without alerting them to what's happened. And besides - he's not sure he's ready to confront people just now. So he'll figure it out on his own.
Eventually, he'll enter the library and make it happen.
Just after one more cigarette.
He was trying to quit.
iii. all around ensō ; what a catchIt's possible that you'll run into him at some point - at Denny, on the farming islet, or just generally about the island of Ensō. It's also possible that you won't really be running into him at all, but more...uncovering him. Hunched against tree trunks, curled up in corners, sat down on the beach with his knees drawn up and his face in his hands, like he was in the middle of some important task only to become overwhelmed with a wave of something so crushing that he had to sit down.
That's more or less what's been happening, as time wears on. Even if you don't see him, you might hear him, catching hitching breaths and soft choking sobs.
He can't help it. Tim's always been a crier. Usually, he has a means of stopping before it wears on for too long.
He's lost friends before. He's been the reason he's lost friends. He's been the reason people have died. He thought that body counts were simple, that he could measure them up to others and come out on top, but he knows well enough now to know it's not like that at all. Nameless shadows, unidentified viewers, mere possibilities - they're nothing like cleaving down someone who believes in you wholeheartedly, someone you once knew as a friend in another life. He only ever lost people by accident, despite his best efforts. He never killed anyone he loved on purpose, no matter how much he felt like he could in some moments.
Souls humming in parallel to each other. The worst possible first impression. Dragging those memories and sensations to the forefront just to survive another day, and then consenting to having those thoughts cut out, even if it killed him.
Waking up on an island, months after the fact. Two children who had been forgotten by most - but not all. Two children who changed their names and hid their faces and didn't want to be remembered, but were remembered anyway.
Two children who stood at the edge of the cauldron to hell.
Two children who held his heart in their hands, who loved him.
And despite everything, who he loved right back.
Without meaning to, he clung to them.
And now he has no idea what to do, or who to be, without them.
no subject
[She knew there were other places like this from Ginko and Ed, but how many were there...?]
Was it hard? As hard as this world is?
no subject
[Hard? He doesn't know. It felt...harder for him, but the resources there were better, weren't they? Or maybe people were just more resourceful.]
It was a warzone. So I guess it was harder.
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Yeah, that'll do it. You end up in the shit with someone, bond real fast. Never know how much time you have left.
[Now there's something Beau has experience in. Not that she wants to talk about it now, but-- she gets it, she really does.]
There's a chance they could come back though, right? Or maybe you find 'em in another place like these are.
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[The note's burning a hole in his pocket. He doesn't have the words to explain that it wasn't really a typical sort of warzone. That the events that bound them together had to do with circumstance, with Tim's own stupidity, with his reckless, selfish inability to take responsibility for himself.]
They do...impossible things, lotta the time.
They're impossible people.
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Yeah. I get that.
[Impossible people, and you just tag along. You just try to keep up. You just try to make yourself useful. Her words are flat and neutral, but not emotionless.]
So it feels hopeless, right? Because what could you to to save them if they're the incredible ones. But they still come looking.
no subject
[He doesn't laugh. Laughter isn't the right word to describe what he does, because it never is. It's a short, ugly, deprecating sound, paired with the dragging of one hand over his face, like that might make it harder to tell that he's on the edge of crumbling into tears all over again.]
I was a cover story. That's all.
no subject
Cover for what? They picked you, didn't they? You can think whatever of yourself. Doesn't change how they think of you.
no subject
[So he was the one who was a liability. He remembered them. They needed to make sure that he kept their secrets.]
[He still is. Even if there's no one left to be keeping any of them from, really. Doesn't matter. He might be a liar, but he can keep his lies to his grave.]
And I was a liability.
no subject
[She doesn't actually even know what kids he means here, but there's only a couple. Besides, Beau has yet to find someone who has a bad outlook on Tim around here, so it's a safe bet.]
Doesn't sound like you were begging to stick around. Wouldn't be so busted up if you didn't care anyway. And you're the one living with that now, so it's what you should handle. Only thing you can.
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[(Too much of a coward to tell them to their face in a way that he thinks they'd believe - that he found them extraordinary for who they were, and not what they were capable of.)]
So I...deserve it?
[Not that he's going to argue that point. He's pretty sure he does. He's pretty sure he deserves every rotten, shitty thing to happen to him.]
no subject
What? No!
[Her posture breaks as she sits up, looking right towards him.]
You didn't like, cosmically cause this by existing. You deserved to be a person. You were their friend, maybe their family, but you can only deal with your own emotions here. They didn't just like... leave you behind when you stopped being useful, or whatever. You were close. You got separated. It sucks.
[Beau releases one of her hands, gesturing between the two of them.]
Do you get what I'm saying here, I'm not always great with words but I can't sit here and watch you punch yourself in the head. Metaphorically. Maybe literally if we keep going down this hole.
no subject
[That causes him to shift slightly on the spot, drawing further into himself. He didn't cause this, maybe, but he caused a million other things, just by existing. Just by being a person.]
[How does he start talking about something like that, though? The short answer is that he doesn't. The fewer people who know about that, the better.]
They didn't mean to leave. I know that.
[He knows that's not his fault, at least. Still can't help but feel guilty that there were things left unsaid.]
no subject
Then why are you such a wreck? Not saying you can't miss them, but this is more than that. This is like... telling yourself you're cursed and everyone's always gonna leave or something when you just said they didn't mean to. That's bias. Confirmation bias.
[You're one to talk, Ms. Regard, good lord.]
Do you really feel guilty? For what?
no subject
[Maybe. He's a liar.]
[More likely, everyone else is too wrapped up in their own shit to notice.]
[He's cursed, sure enough - just not in the way that she thinks. And he's sure as hell not about to mention that now.]
There's a lot I never told them.
Might not ever get to.
no subject
It's because of her curiosity, always. She has to know anything hidden. It's one part her job, one part the thing she was never supposed to do, and therefore she does it very, very well.]
Do you think it was important you said it? Or did they already know? Kinda get the feeling you're not talking about the "I love you" lines, but you don't need to tell everyone about your past shit. That's allowed to be personal if you're actually handling it on your own.
no subject
[He reaches up, rubbing at his face with his hands.]
Maybe. Maybe they just didn't wanna admit it. [What the hell does he know about telling people the truth, anyway? He never tells anyone the truth. That's not what he does. He's a liar.]
[Is it any wonder that, even when he does tell the truth, no one quite believes him?]
no subject
Look, I'm probably not a good, uhh, advice person on this? But... people who go don't leave your head. It's not the same as having them around, or getting advice, but... it still changes you. They still do it.
[... Actually, you know what? Beau just barely makes eye contact with him, kind of in disbelief she's about to Do This, but he doesn't seem the type to tell Molly and have her get horribly laughed at.]
Hey. You like tarot? The uh, fortune telling cards stuff.
no subject
[They're never going to leave his head. Not now that he's rubbed souls with both of them, and they live somewhere beneath his skin. Memories and words that he never said. A book that he can't know if he would have loved without someone to read it to him. The smell of crushed golden flowers, the sharp scent of cinnamon.]
[They're stuck there, well and truly. Tattoo in reverse.]
I know.
[That's all he knows how to say about that, because it's a hell of a lot easier than admitting what he's done in the past, with their souls. What they've done with his.]
[Which is why her question catches him off guard.]
Uh...I dunno. Never tried it. Why?
no subject
My dad used to be a superstitious kinda guy. Let these sort of things run his life. Believed in all that fate stuff.
[Beau's shitty at shuffling them, but she's surprisingly gentle as she handles the deck and keeps speaking.]
Grew up hating this stuff. And then when I got out for the first time, what do I meet but some damn asshole who's married to these things. I thought he was a big fuckin' idiot, 'nn I still do. But.
[She idly stops, and straightens the pile in her hand, staring at them before she puts them down. Part of her wonders if he'll catch on who she's talking about, but she's been light on details, unless he's seen these exact cards before. But she's the one with an incomplete hand.]
When it came to it, he could use even something dumb like this to make someone smile. He knew how to talk about bad situations, and calm people, whether it was real or not.
[Beau sets the deck down on the floor between them.]
Left his favorite one at his grave when he died in a fight I started. So. Still don't think these control something. But maybe it'll help, to think about 'em. Find something you can hold.
no subject
[The rest is more abstract. She's specific enough to piece together a narrative. Vague enough for him to read that there are things she'd rather leave in the dark. That's fine. He's not really in any kind of position to start quizzing people on their histories and try to get them to open up about them. At some point, he got to be that kinda guy, even if that was never really his intention. Never really his specialty.]
Is that what you do? Just...play with them, to take your mind off things?
[He doesn't know a thing about tarot. Doesn't know a thing about fate. Doesn't know if he trusts it as a concept, even if he knows he'd prefer not to. But whether or not you believe in something doesn't make it any less true or untrue.]
no subject
You're supposed to ask it a question. Then the card's the answer. But I dunno about that.
[She knows the meanings, but only from childhood. Still, there's a sweetness in her getting to utilize these for someone else's fate instead of her own.]
I just draw a few and imagine I'm talking to a dog or something. Don't think they really have abilities or anything. But... they do let you think about stuff in new ways.
[A momentary pause, in which she reaches down and straightens the deck, just a small fidget of the hands.]
And I liked having something in my hands. Makes the thoughts feel more real.
no subject
It's like a magic 8-ball, then?
[Does she...know what that is?]
I mean...it's like something you can do for fun, kinda. And it's all chance.
no subject
Yeah. Chance.
[Beau was planning on saying more, but she doesn't have any. Instead, she draws a card off the top...
It's the 5 of Pentacles. Hardship and insecurity. Deep loneliness, poverty, or loss. The removal of something significant.
She sighs, making a displeased sort of look.]
I know what they mean. Sort of. If you want to get some psychic bullshit.
no subject
[This looks like it's all abstraction.]
Psychic, huh?
[Well, he's not ruling that out.]
You're not...literally psychic, right?
cw: possible suicide mention? just in case
Don't think I'd be this much of a fuckup if I knew anything about a future.
[Beau's just surprised she made it this far, frankly. The thought of living even this long is past where she planned, not from a desire or attempt to end it, just... a recklessness born of having your life decided for you and picking anything but. There were some close calls. That's the only thing that used to really make her feel alive.]
You don't have to. I just... mementos, yknow? Maybe find some of them. So you have something to touch and it's not all in your head.
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