[... he always thought it would be something like this.]
[Ren talks like she's dying. It's a language Ichimatsu is innately fluent in, the tunnel scope of expecting to die, that long road you walk and walk with no map. For him, maybe, it's always been in his head. A path dug out in front of his feet with his own shovel, turning the dirt over those five branching paths. That's not the case for everyone.]
[Anyone could tell now that she's talking like she plans to die. Ichimatsu's been hearing it for a while. Looking behind him down that road, and seeing a ghost of someone he knew.]
[But he'd hoped. He'd done everything he could think of. He...]
[Can't change reality. Can't drown the hospital in a dark sea of named stars; can't wipe away ghosts like a smudge of dirt on her face. Ren says that she wants to say goodbye, and thank you, and I love you, and nothing at all in Ichimatsu is able to deny her those. That's the only reason. Rejecting what she's telling him now, no matter how viciously the thorns in his bones rattle at him to - would be rejecting the things in her heart that she wants to say. Telling her that her last wishes aren't even real. He can't do that.]
[He can't. He'd rather die.]
[Please, instead, just --]
[He sobs again, through locked, gritted teeth, and the sound is more of a choke than anything else. He doesn't know what to say to make it better. In the end, everyone leaves each other; rejection, or dying, or falling out, or drifting apart, people get abandoned on purpose or against their wills. It's happened to him here so many times already. He's done it to others. Why does anyone ever even try? Why...]
[No. It's not about that.]
[It's because he loves her, too.]
[No matter how much it hurts, no matter what vicious twist of weight and edge he's feeling in his middle, it's because of something that was worth it. The pain is crippling, but it only comes because he was moving in the first place. It's because the hollow blade of being alone is a slower way to die, and he hasn't stayed still to gouge himself on it anymore, and neither has Ren.]
[Ichimatsu pulls her in again, and this time it's the same, purposeful way he used to comfort the fragile Todomatsu when they were in high school - one hand between her shoulders, the other on the back of her head, gently bringing her in against his chest. His whole body shakes with the effort not to tip into his grief and crush her against him. His breathing is fucked up and tastes like metal and sap, but he manages to drag his voice out, low and ruddy.]
You know, saying 'goodbye'... is hard, and it sucks. But it's normal to want others to know the way you feel. It's just that sometimes you can't. That's how life is. People leave without saying goodbye, and... i-it hurts even worse. But...
[He swallows thickly.]
When Ren-chan... spent time with me, and showed me her hiding spots, and looked for Pachinko with me, I - that's what I heard her heart saying. All of those things. So, because Ren-chan was always honest with me - even though she never said 'goodbye', I always heard everything she wanted to say. I know all of those things because I trust her.
And... maybe I wasn't honest enough, but I hope Ren-chan knows I felt the same way, too. Even though I left her without saying goodbye.
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[Ren talks like she's dying. It's a language Ichimatsu is innately fluent in, the tunnel scope of expecting to die, that long road you walk and walk with no map. For him, maybe, it's always been in his head. A path dug out in front of his feet with his own shovel, turning the dirt over those five branching paths. That's not the case for everyone.]
[Anyone could tell now that she's talking like she plans to die. Ichimatsu's been hearing it for a while. Looking behind him down that road, and seeing a ghost of someone he knew.]
[But he'd hoped. He'd done everything he could think of. He...]
[Can't change reality. Can't drown the hospital in a dark sea of named stars; can't wipe away ghosts like a smudge of dirt on her face. Ren says that she wants to say goodbye, and thank you, and I love you, and nothing at all in Ichimatsu is able to deny her those. That's the only reason. Rejecting what she's telling him now, no matter how viciously the thorns in his bones rattle at him to - would be rejecting the things in her heart that she wants to say. Telling her that her last wishes aren't even real. He can't do that.]
[He can't. He'd rather die.]
[Please, instead, just --]
[He sobs again, through locked, gritted teeth, and the sound is more of a choke than anything else. He doesn't know what to say to make it better. In the end, everyone leaves each other; rejection, or dying, or falling out, or drifting apart, people get abandoned on purpose or against their wills. It's happened to him here so many times already. He's done it to others. Why does anyone ever even try? Why...]
[No. It's not about that.]
[It's because he loves her, too.]
[No matter how much it hurts, no matter what vicious twist of weight and edge he's feeling in his middle, it's because of something that was worth it. The pain is crippling, but it only comes because he was moving in the first place. It's because the hollow blade of being alone is a slower way to die, and he hasn't stayed still to gouge himself on it anymore, and neither has Ren.]
[Ichimatsu pulls her in again, and this time it's the same, purposeful way he used to comfort the fragile Todomatsu when they were in high school - one hand between her shoulders, the other on the back of her head, gently bringing her in against his chest. His whole body shakes with the effort not to tip into his grief and crush her against him. His breathing is fucked up and tastes like metal and sap, but he manages to drag his voice out, low and ruddy.]
You know, saying 'goodbye'... is hard, and it sucks. But it's normal to want others to know the way you feel. It's just that sometimes you can't. That's how life is. People leave without saying goodbye, and... i-it hurts even worse. But...
[He swallows thickly.]
When Ren-chan... spent time with me, and showed me her hiding spots, and looked for Pachinko with me, I - that's what I heard her heart saying. All of those things. So, because Ren-chan was always honest with me - even though she never said 'goodbye', I always heard everything she wanted to say. I know all of those things because I trust her.
And... maybe I wasn't honest enough, but I hope Ren-chan knows I felt the same way, too. Even though I left her without saying goodbye.